Two Steps Forward

28 02 2011

Every time I take a break from writing, I feel my brain filing up with deep thoughts.  They aren’t all bad thoughts, I just start working on things in my brain and trying to sort things out.  My usual cycle is that I avoid and just stop writing and then I start mellowing out and my brain opens up. Now I am at the mellow stage where I am wanting some major life changes yet again.  The desire to have these changes keeps coming up in smaller and smaller intervals.

Right now, I am wishing I could pick up my house and move it about 200 miles west.  Find a nice guy who wants the same things I want out of life.  Someone who is my best friend and will be a great dad.  I want to settle down, get married, have kids and enjoy a calm, relaxing life out of the city.  Don’t get me wrong, I have a great life right now but it is missing something. I think I was smart and realized that I needed to really learn to love myself and I have spent time doing that.  Now that I am there, I can feel my heart opening up and there is a place there for someone special.

I gave up on online dating a long time ago after two pretty bad episodes. The picking are slim where I work.  When I am at the gym, I am there to work out, not pick someone up. My “friends” (a whole other issue) are not the type of people I would want to set me up because my values and their values don’t mesh.  Because of that, I know that the people they would set me up with won’t match what I want out of life and how I want to live it.

Speaking of the friends…I am finding myself drawing away from them.  I am not sure why.  Wait, I know why.  It deals directly with what I said previously…values.  I know what would help me with all of my issues…church. I need to get back to it and find a home but my fear of walking in alone always keeps me from it. I know I shouldn’t feel that way; of all the places in the world, church should be a safe haven.   I have found two that I am thinking of checking out, it is just getting up the courage to do it.




14 02 2011

I’m ready to go home.  No, not the place I live now but home.  Back to my roots so to speak.  10 years ago, this mood would have had me in the car taking that 4 hour drive to west Texas.  I would have been welcome with a bowl of potato soup and a good ear.  All of the things going on in my head would have been cleared up by the smell of red dirt and a good hug; maybe even a few tears shed.

3 more weeks and I can go home.  It won’t be the same but I can still go home.  There will be no soup, no ear, no hug, probably still a few tears.  I can visit the person who gave the best advice. I might not be able to hear her words but I know that I will be able to still feel them.

I’m ready to go home.

That Post

10 02 2011

I don’t tell many people but I have been married before and while it wasn’t the best, I wouldn’t change it or him for the world.  To this day, he is still my best friend, he is always there for me even now that he is so far away…but more on that in a moment.

We met when I was 19.  I can still remember what I wore the night we met, what he was doing, how he looked at me.  I remember our first dance, the look, the feeling, the song, I remember it all.  Our courtship was my fairy tale story.  A movie couldn’t have made a better story.  We grew up together and it was great. The ending sucked but the during was great.  One day maybe I will write about it.

Fast forward 15 years and we still talk every week.  He knows just by the words I use if I am happy or sad.  He always checks on my family and makes sure my parents are OK.  He even talks to my dad regularly.  I still love him as much as ever, I just know we were young and not ready for the life we got into.

Right now, I am happy and sad.  Happy because my best friend is doing something he loves and something greater than himself.  Sad because I know he isn’t going to be a phone call away for a while.  See, tomorrow is D day…the start of deployment.  And it kills me that I wasn’t able to see him one more time before he left.  The only saving grace is that mid-tour should be sometime around my birthday and so I get to see him then.

I remember the last time we went through this so it isn’t a new thing to me but each time still stings a little and gets me down.  But, I keep going on and cherish the emails I get and keep on keeping on.

Random Things Keeping Me From Work

10 02 2011

My brain is racing with random thoughts and ideas and they are really keeping me from doing the job I am getting paid to do.  The only way to fix this I guess I need to write it out and move on.  So in that regard, here comes the random blog post!

1.  Can this week be any longer! Even staying home due to weather yesterday didn’t help.  I know that tomorrow is Friday but it can’t get here soon enough.  This is probably due to some of the same reasons I can’t seem to get going at work today…to much I want to do in my personal life this weekend.

2.  I have decided that I am going to have to go to hear a band I want to hear on my own on Friday.  Yep, this girl is about to head to a bar where she knows no one to hear a band I have been looking forward to.  I am nervous as hell and haven’t been this confident in about 15 years.  But, everyone I would want to go with is busy and I don’t want to ask the frienemy then that leaves me going it alone.  It’s just a hurdle I know I need to cross so I can sitting at home alone because I am scared to venture out on my own.  I am looking at it like what would I do if I just moved to town and knew no one.

3.  Debt is bad.  In a late night-please-why-can’t-I-sleep-yet-again moment, I decided that I am tired of having any debt hanging over me.  This weekend I am going to lay out a plan to get the little bit of credit card debt paid off, get the car paid off, and the student loans gone.  Even though due to the economy, my paycheck has taken a severe hit, I think I can do this.  I mean, if I am on a weight loss journey, my debt can go on a weight loss journey too. 

This all came about because I don’t want to have to be a slave to my job.  I really want to be able to move out of the craziness that is Dallas in about 5 years and to do something that I really want to do (what, I have no idea but I have 5 years to figure it out).  This desire means I would be in a better position with no debt and money in the bank.  I’m hiding the credit cards, really going to be aware of how much I spend, and start making sure I don’t just stick my head in the sand at my present situation (which really isn’t that bad).

I want to live a simple and easy life.  I got chills when I was doing the budget for a new business venture for my boss and he said one of the other partners (and himself) needed a minimum of a 5 figure number for a monthly salary.  I never want to be in a position where I must have that much a month just to live.  I would rather make that much, and be able to put most of it in the bank for a rainy day or for later on in life when I can escape the craziness and enjoy it.

4.  I swear if this old guy in the office doesn’t stop calling me rude nicknames, I am gonna sue.  We have partnered with another business and the guys that run it are older.  One of them comes in every morning and calls me names such as “Sweet Drama”, “Mello Drama”, and my fav “Sweet temptation”.  And as a side note, I have NO drama in my life.  I ban drama, I run from drama, I kick drama’s ass.  If you bring drama in to my life, you get kicked out IMMEDIATELY.  So why he calls me this I have no idea.  His nicknames make me uncomfortable and add to that he hugs and touches and you see where I have an issue.

Try to Bring Me Down – It Will Only Bring Me Up

8 02 2011

Do you have friends who try and knock you off of your game?  Who talk down your goals?  Who try and make you second guess your dreams?  Why do we even call these people friends?

I know people who don’t support my weight loss goals.  They try and make me feel like I am sick for trying to better myself.   The conclusion has been made that you can only put up with this for so long.  The time has come when I finally have to stand up for what I want and what is best for me.

I have noticed the slow progression to this moment for some time.  Back in the blissful fat days, our girls nights consisted of high calorie dinners and going out for drink after drink.  If we weren’t out, we were at someones house doing just the same thing.  Now that I no longer do this night after night and save if for special occasions (honestly 2-3 nights a month tops), the invites to go out have stopped. The invites to do anything have stopped.  I had tried to suggest other things besides high calorie outings but they never happen.

When they see me, they get snarky about how I look.  Instead of saying I look good, they say I am wasting away.  I promise you, the 20 pounds I have lost have not made me waste away; especially when I have 4o more pounds to go.   I see their FB postings of food and drink pictures and I can’t lie I do miss the food but I don’t miss the guilt and the pounds.  Because I also see the pictures over the year and see their increase in size.

I know what part of their issue  is and I can’t help that.  I am not going to let them belittle me and bring me down because they are insecure.  I feel it is time to make the switch.  I have a feeling that I will be making a lot more switches in the coming months.

Snow Day Reboot

4 02 2011

I have never been happier that I went to work yesterday.  If I hadn’t, I would have been stuck in the house for seven straight days.  The “dusting” of snow we were supposed to get last night ended up being over 7 inches.  Sure, to most that is nothing but add to that this is Texas and we aren’t used to it and there is still a half inch layer of ice underneath it and I am staying put.

I am promising to myself that these next three days holed up in the house will not be like the previous 4.  I am determined to finally get this house cleaned back up.  I have a pot of water boiling on the stove to try and get rid of the static party going on in the house and I have some venison thawing to try an invent a new chili recipe.  Life is good and I am not going to feel guilty for not working today.  Work was done this morning with a conference call to Germany and a few letters composed so I am not 100% behind the eight ball.


Hunkering Down

31 01 2011

It seems everyone on the blogosphere is hunkering down for some cold weather.

Seems the real world is doing the same.  I picked a very bad day to run out of milk and bread; the grocery store was a killer!  Let me tell you, the little kiddie carts should be outlawed on days like this.  I swear I got shinned about 4 times.

I was feeling blah when I got home but I got my butt up and went to the gym.  Pilates class was an experience.  The jury is still out but I admit I do feel stretched out and a little more relaxed.  Next up, yoga this weekend.  I do still like my weight lifting better.  I’m not much of a group girl but I am going to stick with it.

Before I went to the gym, I did have to prepare my newest “pet” for the cold weather.  For the past 5 months, I have a had a cotton tail rabbit call my backyard home.  Most people would get upset at a rabbit eating their grass but me, I know that he wouldn’t survive in my neighborhood with the coyotes and the construction so I like being a safe haven.  He has gotten so comfortable with me that this weekend he was out there and I went outside and he actually didn’t scare and even moved closer to me.  Well what can I do when the weather is supposed to get bad!!  So my softie heart went and bought bunny treats and bunny hay and made a rabbit hutch outside for him for the bad weather.  I had to go throw a few bricks on it tonight to make sure it didn’t blow away.  I can say that he is in it hunkered down and good to go.

I’m off to curl up on the couch with my other baby who is purring up a storm. Stay warm everyone and I hope everyone survives the cold weather unbruised.