What I Don’t Need

17 04 2011

I’m cutting the strings.

I think the age of instant useless information is stressing me out more. I could care less what some people are doing yet I seem to look at it all the time.  I deleted it off of my phone.  I just don’t want to deal with it anymore.

I want simple.  I want uncomplicated.  I want peace.  This is step one.

Next step is getting rid of the crap.  We focus on stuff so much and I’m tired of letting it control me.  I have a good life.  I don’t need anything more than I have right now.  I honestly don’t need all the crap I have right now.

I think I am just tired of it all.  Tired of the drama, the unneeded stress, the little things that don’t matter. I’m ready to just count my blessings, work hard, and live a life I can be proud of. Whatever happens will happen.


Things I Have Realized

17 04 2011

I have realized the following things…

1.  Alcohol and I do not mix.  After 15 years, the time as come to hang up the drinking hat.  Nothing good has ever come from me drinking.  Made more apparent by this weekend.  I become unproductive, do things I cringe about the next day, and feel like crap.  Sure, I will enjoy A drink every now and then but nothing more than that.  I got to where I don’t like myself after I drink.  I feel like I always go backwards when I drink.

2.  I miss having someone.  When I say someone I mean a person I can talk to, a best friend, a hug when I need it, someone who knows me.  Most of the time I feel completely alone.  I start wondering why, at 34, I am alone and feel like I am up against the world with no help?  I have faith, I know that God is always with me, but I wish I had someone to walk with me.

3.  I wish I could just start over. Sometimes I want to just start completely over. Move somewhere new, start a new life, and see if I can make that one better than this one.  I am tired of this life, the city I live in, and the life I built that I don’t really want anymore.

4.  There has to be something more than this.  I have been contemplating the meaning of life so to speak. Why do I feel like everything and everyone is moving around me and I am standing still?  I know I have to make change but when you don’t specifically  know what you want to change or you want to change it all, it just seems terrifying.

5.  I haven’t gone out in public in over two months. I went out and I now want to run back into my cave. I am heading to a festival at the end of the month and once I finish that, I am taking the summer “off”.  I am going to use the summer to learn how I want to be.  To work on my and getting what I want out of life.  To find the people who make the next phase of my life the phase I want to be in.  If that means a relationship, then great; a good network of friends, then that will work.  But I know I need to figure out where I want my life to go, get rid of the things that are causing physical and mental conflicts within myself.

I’m broke, I’m broke, man alive that ain’t no joke

21 03 2011

Just had to use a line from one of my favorite songs for this post because it really tells the truth right about now.  I was all set to do an upbeat post on how I wasn’t broke, and I am getting good at facing my financial realities as a game and finally learning the differenc between want and need. 

Until I did my revised budget for next month.  After the basics are paid for, I am $200 in the hole.  And when I say basics, I mean house payment, car payment, insurance and HOA allocation, food, utilities, and gas.  So what do I cut?  House is shelter, car is how I get to the job that doesnt’ pay me enough, insurance keeps my car healthy, HOA keeps my house from being foreclosed by a stupid HOA, food keeps me alive, utilities keep me in power and water, and gas keeps the car that gets me to the crappy job that doesn’t pay enough.   It was one thing when all my needs were paid for and I had to save for wants.  But there is no way in hell I can save up for needs each month!

Yes, I have savings but I refuse to dig into them when I have a job that should be covering my basic needs.  Especially when I helped build this company and the last one and got screwed during that deal.  And let’s not mention the $400 a month student loan payments that I have coming due in August. 

I’ve been BROKE before and I know I am not there but when I was, I was a lot younger and going through a divorce and lost alot of my ability to pay bills really fast when I had the same expenses as a two income house on one income.  I have never had to sit and watch myself become broke over time WHEN I had a job.  I now know about the working poor….I think I just became one.

So, my options at this point are to 1) look for a new full time job that pays the  bills (which I am) and 2) get a part time job (which will have to happen in May…waiting tables, here I come!!)

But, I can either let it get me down or just adjust to it until it gets better.  It always gets better and this is a lesson that apparently I need to learn or a skill I need to get better at. 

I have already had to decline a few invites out to dinner and movies.  I don’t feel comfortable coming out and telling people why.  If they ask I will tell them, but I feel like if I volunteer it then they will think I am asking for them to pay my way and I am not.  It’s just a matter of priorities.  I have a feeling it will weed out a few more of the dwindling numbers of friends I have.  And I have a feeling I know exactly which ones.

We’re Not Talking Belly Button Lint Here

8 03 2011

Ok, so first let’s get it straight that I am not Catholic, I am Baptist.  However, I truly love the idea of using this time before Easter to really examine the way you live and strive to live a more focused life and renew my faith.

I have been preparing for this for some time.  Honestly, with my working out I don’t eat sugar, very little alcohol, working out almost every day…I live a very healthy life.  The only thing I do that isn’t very good in my opinion, is I spend before I think.  I give into material temptation and don’t think mindfully of what I spend my money on.

So for the next 40 days, I will be cutting out any unnecessary purchases.  There is nothing (except for running shoes) that I need.  And yes, the running shoes have been on the list since before this.  They are the reward for busting it out at the gym all month.  Other than that, I am doing without.

I am hoping I can keep it up and rebuild the savings buffer a little more and start saving for the life I am working towards in everything I do. Maybe one day I will write about what that is.  Trust me, it’s life changing 🙂

I could…

7 03 2011

let the day get me down.  I could sit on my couch and give into the pity party that I am feeling.  Instead, I am going to go work out and remember that it isn’t good to bring home the crap of the day.  I am also going to remember that when I get home, I am going to work on my resume and get it out for an awesome job I found today.  Then I am going to do the same thing tomorrow and the next day and the next. Some days it takes everything I have to remind myself that I am in control of the situation.

It has taken me five year of work to remember things like this.

I read a post on a blog that I follow and remembered what it was like to make that call.  To finally realize that I wasn’t just down in the dumps.  It took me a long time to ask for help and get the help I needed. How far I have come still amazes me some days.  And honestly, some days (like today) it feels like I haven’t even taken a step.  However, the first paragraph shows me that I have.

What I need is the sun.  I know myself well enough to know that I don’t do good on cloudy days where the wind is blowing just enough to put a chill into you.  Days like this are the hardest. I think that is why I am looking forward to the time change.  Sure, I know I will lose an hour, but I have been preparing!  I have been going to sleep an hour earlier and waking up earlier.  That way, come Sunday, when I go to sleep at what the clock says is 10, I will be conditioned for it.  What I am looking forward to is that extra hour of light when I get home. I am so much more productive when there is sun.  Night time is for TV and reading and unwinding.  Day light is for working out, cleaning house, working on resumes, trying to get ahead in my life.


Two Steps Forward

28 02 2011

Every time I take a break from writing, I feel my brain filing up with deep thoughts.  They aren’t all bad thoughts, I just start working on things in my brain and trying to sort things out.  My usual cycle is that I avoid and just stop writing and then I start mellowing out and my brain opens up. Now I am at the mellow stage where I am wanting some major life changes yet again.  The desire to have these changes keeps coming up in smaller and smaller intervals.

Right now, I am wishing I could pick up my house and move it about 200 miles west.  Find a nice guy who wants the same things I want out of life.  Someone who is my best friend and will be a great dad.  I want to settle down, get married, have kids and enjoy a calm, relaxing life out of the city.  Don’t get me wrong, I have a great life right now but it is missing something. I think I was smart and realized that I needed to really learn to love myself and I have spent time doing that.  Now that I am there, I can feel my heart opening up and there is a place there for someone special.

I gave up on online dating a long time ago after two pretty bad episodes. The picking are slim where I work.  When I am at the gym, I am there to work out, not pick someone up. My “friends” (a whole other issue) are not the type of people I would want to set me up because my values and their values don’t mesh.  Because of that, I know that the people they would set me up with won’t match what I want out of life and how I want to live it.

Speaking of the friends…I am finding myself drawing away from them.  I am not sure why.  Wait, I know why.  It deals directly with what I said previously…values.  I know what would help me with all of my issues…church. I need to get back to it and find a home but my fear of walking in alone always keeps me from it. I know I shouldn’t feel that way; of all the places in the world, church should be a safe haven.   I have found two that I am thinking of checking out, it is just getting up the courage to do it.



14 02 2011

I’m ready to go home.  No, not the place I live now but home.  Back to my roots so to speak.  10 years ago, this mood would have had me in the car taking that 4 hour drive to west Texas.  I would have been welcome with a bowl of potato soup and a good ear.  All of the things going on in my head would have been cleared up by the smell of red dirt and a good hug; maybe even a few tears shed.

3 more weeks and I can go home.  It won’t be the same but I can still go home.  There will be no soup, no ear, no hug, probably still a few tears.  I can visit the person who gave the best advice. I might not be able to hear her words but I know that I will be able to still feel them.

I’m ready to go home.