You know those little boxes where you are asked to describe yourself or write about yourself? Well they scare the holy terror out of me. Not because I have so much to say about myself and a little box just doesn’t do it justice. More because I have no idea what to say about myself; dare I say I had no idea who I was?
It felt like for the better part of my life, I was trying to find myself while I was living in a world where everyone knew who they were and what they wanted. Thinking that only made me more clueless and thinking that I should have a definitive statement on who I was. Every day without this knowing who I was seemed to make me feel less and less like a valued member of society.
Granted, I didn’t sit in a chair for all this time and ponder this thought. I had a life to lead, responsibilities to handle, expectations to meet, you know, the things that we fill our days with. In my “adult” life, I got married, I got divorced, I had 3 more long term relationships, 3 more not so pretty break ups, lost 2 amazing grand parents, had 5 jobs, 3 change of addresses, 4 cars, 2 cats, and 1 dog. I smoked, stopped, started, stopped, started, stopped, started, and stopped. I went from 115 pounds to close to 200 and then lost some, gained some, lost some again. I went from wondering how I was going to make rent to feeling like I could buy anything I wanted to wondering if I had saved enough for the rainy day fund everyone talks about. You could say I lived life and took care of what I needed to do.
A funny thing happened in this living life. All the time I was bemoaning myself for not knowing who I was, I was finding myself. I had to realize that the person I was might not be who everyone else was and that was ok.
In a nutshell I am a contradiction. I honestly think more people are contradictions than they lead you to believe.
I love music. It makes me happy. I love creating music and I love listening to it. I like classical, jazz, classic rock, oldies, 80’s hair bands, 90’s grunge and alternative, some current harder rock and alternative, some 90’s country, selected soul. I do not like rap, hip-hop, techno, teeny bopper music, main stream hits of today, fake rock of today. I like going to the symphony but I am scared to go alone so I rarely go. I keep telling myself to just go and one day soon I hope to get up the courage to do it. One of the best dates I ever had was when someone took me to the symphony as a treat.
I like photography. I like to take pictures but not of people, especially people I know. I prefer to take pictures of nature and objects. I like the use of shadow and color. I like to look at pictures that make me feel calm and relaxed. As much as I like pictures, I have none in my house. None of me, none that I have taken, I have nothing. I blame it on being lazy and scared to put anything up.
While on the lazy and scared thing, I have to say I am extremely lazy and let my fears get in the way of doing a lot. I am not really sure it is pure lazy as opposed to being scared to start something and not being able to do it perfect. Yes, I am a lazy scared perfectionist. That is a hard combination to be. I am trying to lose all of them but mostly the scared part. My fears keep me out of a lot of things. I am scared I am going to make a fool of myself and everyone will look down on me. I am scared I will say the wrong thing and everyone remembers, I am scared I will make people unhappy or mad, I am scared no one likes me, I am scared of what people think. I also have a tendency to remember everything stupid, wrong, bad, or embarrassing that I do and I relive it over and over in my head. I am scared probably more of me replaying things and feeling bad as I am of what other people think.
I like to cook. I can get lost in cooking and making up new recipes. I have a hard time cooking when it is just me but I am learning to freeze and reuse. Baking is something I am not as good at but I am trying. I usually only really bake in the winter months however I might try to find some lighter baking things for the summer months. I also try to cook without the use of processed sugars. Not as easy as it seems but very well worth it.
I hate to shop but love clothes and accessories. Probably more it is the money and weight thing than anything for why I don’t like to shop. But, I am learning to enjoy it more, it just costs me money because I have learned the value of timeless pieces even if they cost. I loathe places like TJ Maxx and Marshalls. I honestly don’t like Macys that much either. Stores that feel crowded overwhelm me and it is too much. If I have to do major shopping, which I do about twice a year, I always use personal shoppers. It is just easier for me.
Why is it easier for me? For the same reason you NEVER see a picture of me taken of anything below the collar bone. I am a lot too well endowed and it really frustrates me. I am so ready to get rid of them I just have to figure out how insurance will pay for it. Let’s put it this way, I am not overweight, I am 5’8”, I wear a size 14 which I feel is completely normal. I wear a 38G. It bites. It makes me feel fatter than I am and I think it is all anyone looks at.
I am not athletic and have never been. Hand to eye coordination with me does not exist. You have seen the shows of the spaz who has a ball thrown at him and then after it hits him, he puts his hands up to catch it, that’s me. I am really trying to be better. I push myself out of my comfort zone to try new things that involve some athletic ability. I am more excited about getting into running. I have tried and had a few missteps but this time it feels better.
I am sure this “About Me” post is a work in progress just like I feel we are all works in progress who evolve all the time. At least this is start of trying to explain myself and who I am.
