Things I Have Realized

17 04 2011

I have realized the following things…

1.  Alcohol and I do not mix.  After 15 years, the time as come to hang up the drinking hat.  Nothing good has ever come from me drinking.  Made more apparent by this weekend.  I become unproductive, do things I cringe about the next day, and feel like crap.  Sure, I will enjoy A drink every now and then but nothing more than that.  I got to where I don’t like myself after I drink.  I feel like I always go backwards when I drink.

2.  I miss having someone.  When I say someone I mean a person I can talk to, a best friend, a hug when I need it, someone who knows me.  Most of the time I feel completely alone.  I start wondering why, at 34, I am alone and feel like I am up against the world with no help?  I have faith, I know that God is always with me, but I wish I had someone to walk with me.

3.  I wish I could just start over. Sometimes I want to just start completely over. Move somewhere new, start a new life, and see if I can make that one better than this one.  I am tired of this life, the city I live in, and the life I built that I don’t really want anymore.

4.  There has to be something more than this.  I have been contemplating the meaning of life so to speak. Why do I feel like everything and everyone is moving around me and I am standing still?  I know I have to make change but when you don’t specifically  know what you want to change or you want to change it all, it just seems terrifying.

5.  I haven’t gone out in public in over two months. I went out and I now want to run back into my cave. I am heading to a festival at the end of the month and once I finish that, I am taking the summer “off”.  I am going to use the summer to learn how I want to be.  To work on my and getting what I want out of life.  To find the people who make the next phase of my life the phase I want to be in.  If that means a relationship, then great; a good network of friends, then that will work.  But I know I need to figure out where I want my life to go, get rid of the things that are causing physical and mental conflicts within myself.




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