Two Steps Forward

28 02 2011

Every time I take a break from writing, I feel my brain filing up with deep thoughts.  They aren’t all bad thoughts, I just start working on things in my brain and trying to sort things out.  My usual cycle is that I avoid and just stop writing and then I start mellowing out and my brain opens up. Now I am at the mellow stage where I am wanting some major life changes yet again.  The desire to have these changes keeps coming up in smaller and smaller intervals.

Right now, I am wishing I could pick up my house and move it about 200 miles west.  Find a nice guy who wants the same things I want out of life.  Someone who is my best friend and will be a great dad.  I want to settle down, get married, have kids and enjoy a calm, relaxing life out of the city.  Don’t get me wrong, I have a great life right now but it is missing something. I think I was smart and realized that I needed to really learn to love myself and I have spent time doing that.  Now that I am there, I can feel my heart opening up and there is a place there for someone special.

I gave up on online dating a long time ago after two pretty bad episodes. The picking are slim where I work.  When I am at the gym, I am there to work out, not pick someone up. My “friends” (a whole other issue) are not the type of people I would want to set me up because my values and their values don’t mesh.  Because of that, I know that the people they would set me up with won’t match what I want out of life and how I want to live it.

Speaking of the friends…I am finding myself drawing away from them.  I am not sure why.  Wait, I know why.  It deals directly with what I said previously…values.  I know what would help me with all of my issues…church. I need to get back to it and find a home but my fear of walking in alone always keeps me from it. I know I shouldn’t feel that way; of all the places in the world, church should be a safe haven.   I have found two that I am thinking of checking out, it is just getting up the courage to do it.

 

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