Confessions of a Grad School Graduate

23 01 2011

I’m lost.  Like totally and completely lost.  I graduated high school way back when, went straight to college, went straight to grad school, took 2 years off, then went back to grad school.  Even in those two years, I was studying something for work certifications or taking a class here and there to keep in the school mode because I knew I would go back.  That is studying or having deadlines for over 10 years.  Actually, that is more like having something due my whole life to be honest.  Now that I am done I have no idea what to do with myself.  I wake up at night in a panic thinking I missed an assignment or should be studying.  A sense of panic washes over me for no reason at all times.

I can’t find anything to replace school at the moment.  I really do see why people become career students and just keep going.  I keep thinking of things to do to fill my time but right now I am incredibly lazy and don’t want to commit to anything.  So instead I have filled my time with nonproductive self destructive activities (aka drinking and living it up).  It’s almost as if I am rebelling against planning and goals.  Even as I sit here now, I am thinking that I need to clean house today, go to the gym, figure out the menu for next week, balance the checkbook, and run errands.  Then the I-don’t-wanna comes over me and I waste the day.  Every minute of my day was scheduled during school and now i have all this free time that I just put things off.  I know I need to get back into a structured life but I just can’t seem to will myself hard enough to do it.

I think I am just going to call this the year of new experiences and make a list of the things I want to try and then go for it.  If I don’t like them then I am under no obligation to continue at it. Maybe in that I will find something that I enjoy doing and can stick with. And yes, I am going to have to plan my new experiences and start sticking with some sort of structure in my life.

I was talking to a fellow graduate at graduation ceremonies and she was feeling the same was I was. I guess this is just the mind set that all of us who finally graduate go through. It is just a character trait that got us through school that we are now having to learn to live with outside of school.

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