Do over please

23 09 2010

Ever have days where you just want to get a restart?  Or worse, days you wish would just pass you by?

I always try to be positive and see the good but today…well BLAH on that.  I really blame my father for this one.  Not in a bad way, but he sent me an email late last night that I got this morning and it made me happy and sad.  I had sent the parentals a survey that my career counselor asked me to get people to do concerning me and work and my strengths.  My dad wrote some really good things, but the one that stuck with me was one about what type of work  would make me happy.  Basically he said something that would make me happy he hoped I found it since he never had the guts to.  I read that and then realized I had to go to work at a job that brings me to tears weekly.  So this morning I cried my eyes out in the shower like a little kid being pushed into school for the first time.  Yet, I knew that it wouldn’t get better; I wouldn’t find new friends, learn new things, and end up enjoying the day.  I knew I would sit at my desk all day, be treated like I am less than I am, have people make empty promises, and be micromanaged.  All while staring at the clock and hoping that somehow time gets put on a fast moving train and it becomes 5 o’clock a little faster. 

I know a lot of this is that my brain is on other things and other disappointments and this just lumps into it.  I think it is time for me to find something to do that genuinely makes me happy.  If it can’t be in the job department yet, then I need to find a hobby (or rather engage in my chosen hobbies) and just use it to mellow out my mind.  You know no idea what it is like to constantly be in your head.  I feel like some days, yesterday being one, I don’t get a moment of pure peace.  I am ALWAYS thinking, running dialogue in my head, playing around with what-if scenarios, and thinking up alternate endings. 

My mind is like a Choose Your Own Adventure Book.  You know, I loved those books because I could read them all the time.  Maybe I will start writing a Choose your Own Life book with all my alternate endings and beginnings I have going on.

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