Growing up and Growing Apart

20 05 2010

I always seem to get a little saddened and hurt when I grow apart from people. Even at times when I know that it is for the best.  Lately I have been saddened because I don’t feel as close to my friend and mentor as I once did.  We have a relationship that has spanned eight pretty rocky years.  This includes, end of relationships, end of marriages, thoughts and actions of more than friends, hurt feelings when more than friends didn’t work, starting of a business, selling of a business, start of another new business, marriage, new boyfriends (for me), break ups, and a slew of other life moments.  Through it all he has been there.  Now in the past 6 months, we aren’t as close it feels like.  We have had some HUGE fights and very hurt feelings.  These are things we never talked about but just pushed to the side and moved on. 

I am hurt that we are no longer close friends.  We don’t talk like we used to and he doesn’t seem to have time to give me the advice and the talks he once did.  Just thinking about it makes me tear up a little.  However, I am not sure I am crying about the friend, but about the past.  About the death of a relationship that reminds me of all of the past times and events in my life.  In fact, I am mourning the loss of my past.  A piece of me I held on to a little too long.  A me that I no longer am.

I feel this way probably a lot more than I should.  I know it is part of the growing aspect of life.  We all continuously grow and out grow some people in life.  I mourn the loss of what I won’t have again.  I mourn what was and what I thought could be that never materialized.   I mourn the feeling of a safety net that I once had.  I am scared of having to go it on my own without someone in my corner. 

The amazing thing about life is once you realize this, it makes the moving on a little easier.  I did this with my exboyfriend and I am going to do it now.   My perception of what I thought was there and the reality of what was there once the rose colored glasses come off are drastically different.   The human spirit and emotion is a truly amazing thing.  I expected these external people to make my life for me and now I am learning to make my own life and not rely on anyone else to help.  (Of course, the fact that I am scared to date and don’t date is a whole other deep thought for later).

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